Exercise Your Want Muscle

I like to play a game when I go to art museums. As I walk through each exhibition room, I have to decide on one piece that I’d like to take home. Each new room, one more priceless work of art I get to put on my imaginary kitchen wall or above my bed. Michelangelo’s David might find a spot in my imaginary garden. 

Is it bad to turn a refined cultural experience into a pretend game about shopping? I don’t think so. It’s not consumerism, it’s just make believe! And it’s fun. Full stop. While being fun makes something inherently worthwhile, there are other perks. Analyzing why we like a piece of art can help us refine our personal taste, explore the emotions the art evokes, and reflect on our values. Furthermore, this game helps us exercise our “want muscle,” that is our ability to figure out what we want. Figuring out what we want is a task that sounds deceptively easy but sometimes can be incredibly hard.

As we round the corner past equinox into fall, the needle on my burnout-o-meter has been rising like our glorious California second-summer temperatures. Of the three key signs of burnout, emotional exhaustion, cynicism, and reduced personal efficiency, lately I have been struggling most with the latter. First I felt unusually tired and increasingly irritable. Now I feel impotent. No matter how hard I try, nothing seems to help my clients and loved ones. Luckily, this is not my first rodeo. I know I need a vacation.

But where? How? When? What? Over the past month people would ask me how I was doing and I would share that I was genuinely stressed about what to do for vacation. I knew I had to take time off, I had the means to do it, but couldn’t for the life of me figure out where to go or what to do. The dilemma felt increasingly urgent as my symptoms of burnout continued to rise.

I know how absurd and insanely privileged that sounds. If Chandler Bing was my friend he would mock me, “Oh, I know, this must be so hard…My wallet's too small for my fifties and my diamond shoes are too tight!” I doubt everyone else is also an imperfectly recovering perfectionist trying to maximize their vacation. (Lord help me, I’m trying to chill.) But I know I’m not alone in feeling at a loss about how to address burnout. Often the worse the burnout, the harder it is to figure out what you need to fix it.

So how do we figure out what we want? 

Process to find clarity–I told people what I was grappling with vacation planning because I’m an external processor and I wanted to talk about it out loud. You might be an internal processor and want to take a walk, soak in a bath, or sip a cup of tea and think on it. Maybe you want to journal about it. Questions to ask yourself include: What sparks my interest? What is aligned with my values? What did I used to like to do that I should re-try now? What inspires envy in me? Are ideas about what I should do getting in the way of what I actually want? What constraints am I imagining? Ask others to help you figure out creative ways to get around perceived barriers, e.g. time, money, skill, etc.

Capture the spark–When you feel any spark of interest or inspiration, take note of it. Actually record what interests you. Develop processes for doing so. I put things I might wanna do in my calendar even if I haven’t committed. I use the Voice Memos app on my phone to record interesting ideas. I use the bookmark function on my Google maps to save places I may someday want to visit if I’m ever in the area, e.g. scenic water falls, thrift stores, hotsprings, quirky roadside diners. (My Google Maps is littered with stars like the milky way.) If I have an idea for a Halloween costume in December, I will write it down in my Notes app. I also make lists of movies, tv shows, and books for when I am at a loss for what to watch or read. Leave bread crumbs for yourself from times when you were feeling more inspired.

Pick anything–Still can’t figure out what you want or need? Choose any path and forge ahead. Just try it. Flip a god damn coin if you need to. Sign up for a random class, say yes to an offer even if you’re unsure. Sample everything on the buffet of life and see what sparks joy, brings you to life, or makes time feel like it’s slowing down. Do it tired. Do it uninspired. Just do it. If it turns out you hate something, great! Now you have more information. Knowing what we don’t want can help us narrow down what we do want. 

I tried talking to people about where to travel. I tried consulting my lists and Google Maps stars. Ultimately, having exhausted the first two strategies for figuring out what I want, I just had to pick somewhere to go. I frankly wasn’t very excited about the plan until the non-refundable plane tickets were purchased and I was already walking down the path. Sometimes we just have to fake it ‘til we make it.

P.S. I’m trying Substack! (Also not very excited about it and yet forging ahead.) The vacation has been booked but my symptoms of burnout persist for now. Join me on this journey of trying to practice what I preach with regard to burn out. Best of luck to all of us in our intrepid exploration of the human experience! May we all come to know ourselves and our desires the way we know a beloved friend.