Treat yo’ self

I've had some mediocre solo travel experiences but when it's good it's REALLY fucking good. Solo travel offers an opportunity to experience an expansive mindset, build confidence and courage, and connect to one’s values, meaning, and purpose. I’ve written about how these outcomes of solo travel can be indispensable in recovering from burn out before. But how does one create the conditions to experience these benefits? There are two steps.

Step one: Treat yo’ self.

I had a hard time the last time I traveled solo. I spent a winter week in the beautiful island nation of Dominica feeling ennui and loneliness. I thought maybe I had grown out of my interest in solo travel. But I had just failed to honor what know about myself, e.g. I know I'm just not that much of a beach vacation guy, I like to be active, interact with people and stay warm. But I chose to stay a whole week at a mountaintop lodge that was pretty far removed from town. The elevation meant it was kinda cold, at least by Caribbean standards, and it rained a lot. I chose the accommodation because they had on-site hot springs. And if you know me you know I'm obsessed with hot springs. But the springs were tepid at best and I didn't see a soul the whole time I stayed there.

Luckily, I learned my lesson. During last month’s trip to Europe, I showed up to the accommodation I booked in advance and everything seemed wrong. It was loud and the sub par cleanliness spiked my bed bug phobia through the roof. So instead of succumbing to people-pleasing tendencies and fear of making a stink, I politely expressed my concern about the noise, asked for a refund and found another place where I could truly relax. I felt so proud of myself for honoring my needs and prioritizing comfort. I *can* tolerate a lot of neglect, pain, and discomfort. Part of my personal work is choosing not to.

Burnout, a bad relationship, trauma, these things can make us set our wants and needs aside. We come to forget who we truly are. Solo travel removes us from these contexts and allows us to practice having a different, more loving, supportive, and generous relationship to ourselves.

You see, the trick to a perfect solo trip is aiming to delight the shit out of yourself. Want to lay in bed for an extra few hours? Cool. Want to get up at sunrise to wander the walled city before everyone else gets up? Also cool. You do you. Do exactly what you want precisely when you want to do it. In 2010's parlance, treat yo’ self. Allow traveling alone to feel like taking yourself on the best date ever. Just like a great date, ideally the outcome is uncovering who this person (you!) truly is and falling in love (with yourself!).

Step 2: Step forward in spite of fear.

At age 22 a coworker told me that she had gone to Europe by herself for 3 weeks. I distinctly remember the feeling of reverence I felt for this slightly older, clearly much more cool and independent woman. But I said, "I could never do that. I would cry myself to sleep every night." 

The idea of traveling alone in Europe terrified and fascinated me. I wanted to do it! I just didn't think it was possible. I was codependently attached to my boyfriend at the time. Not only that, I was known for my poor sense of direction. My dad would say, "Lisa couldn't find her way out of a paper bag." This was pre-smartphone, an era of internet cafes and MapQuesting before you left. So how would I navigate a foreign country? And solo?! I would die of loneliness.

Fast forward maybe 6 months and I had broken up with my boyfriend, moved to a city where I barely knew anyone, and was traveling around Europe by myself. That first night I *did* cry myself to sleep. I cried in a bunk bed surrounded by strangers because I was *so proud* of myself for flying halfway across the world and finding my way from Paris Charles de Gaulle airport to the hostel BY MYSELF. 

Pay super close attention to what terrifies and intrigues you and then step forward in spite of fear. It was solo travel for me but maybe it’s another leisure activity for you, e.g. an improv class, rock climbing, pole dancing, or any hobby that involves having to interact with strangers. (Yikes!) Fear is not a “road closed” sign on the path to personal fulfillment and self actualization, i.e. to realize one's full potential and become the best version of oneself. If anything fear is a stop sign, an opportunity to glance at the MapQuest directions to your desire, and roll on through. 

While solo travel has been instrumental in building the confidence in myself that has been instrumental in building a life I love, I know solo travel is not for everyone. These two directives–treat yo’ self and step forward in spite of fear–are generally helpful in moving out of burnout and into a more engaged, balanced, and meaningful life. If we allow the longing, desire, or interest within ourselves to trump fear, the more we will move from surviving to thriving.